A College Football Fan's Guide to Eurovision
Every spring since the pandemic Eurovision Song Contest basically becomes my personality. It's a natural fit.
"Why," you ask, "you're not European, never dated a Swede, never lived in Iceland, you're not particularly theatrical. How did this obsession take you over?"
The answer lies in the Gregorian calendar; This year, * 2024, ESC is 124 after the college football championship game and 112 days before the kick-off of my College Football Team's 2024 schedule. It's the perfect morsel of Saturday afternoon "amateur" competitive chaos to tide me over during the off season
Of course there are obvious differences between Eurovision and American Football. For one, CFB limits a team to fielding a maximum 11 players at any one time, but ESC allows only 6 performers on the stage for each country. There are probably other differences, I'm not sure. That's not the point.
But from a fan perspective it's a pretty natural fit. Are the competitors the absolute best in their field? Absolutely not. Do the rules seem somewhat absurd, seemingly both tied to hidebound tradition and also made up on the spot? Absolutely. Are there controversies and cheating scandals every year? Certainly yes. Does the overwhelming passion of the fans and the beautiful spectacle of the contest mean that success on this level has automatically translated into success on the next level? Yes, occasionally! But no, not usually.
But there's two big things about ESC, from artsy and foreign Europe, that appeals most to my hootin', hollerin', College Football loving heart. One, the fans' intense connection. And two, the rivalries that stem from a mixture of geography and heritage. Because of this, the pathos that infects many CFB programs often translates across the cultural divide to the pathos (and psychological pathology) of many countries in Eurovision. And, if you're a fan of college football, I think you'll recognize yourself and your team in one of the regularly competing countries.
In that spirit I have created a rough guide comparing ESC to CFB teams, so that any first time ESC views here in America can find their rooting interest this May. Enjoy!
* I wrote most of this while traveling during Christmas/New Year's 2023. I paused because I didn't really have a platform to publish this, and 7,000 words into the project I realized I didn't know enough about Slovakia's entries in the early 2000s to say anything intelligent. I hope to finish it up this year for my Eurovision Fan Site / Party Website. But in the mean time I've been faced with two obnoxious developments: (1) Michigan winning the championship in 2024, and (2) the inexorable forward march of time. I've updated a few things, but as this being published on website I'm paying 5 dollars a month for Wix to host for me and not... literally anywhere else, I'm not doing major revisions at this time. Oh, also, I'm not planning on recognizing this most recent round of realignment anytime soon.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sweden - 'Bama
Dominant in the past, dominant now. Don't worry what happened in those in between years. Probably boring to the hipster kids, or fans of programs outside their region. Frustratingly, their closest neighbors are sometimes their biggest challengers, but if that rival-neighbor is out of the running for winning it all, the fans of that 'rival' can quickly become this teams biggest cheerleaders.
Finland - Auburn,
Geographic proximity leads to a fierce rivalry with their more dominant neighbor. And that neighbor's continued winning has led to this program engaging in some pretty wacky behavior.
Norway - Georgia,
From a part of the world where they are surrounded by programs that LIVE for this competition and this program have won championships multiple times. But their relative success is overshadowed by their neighbors to the West and to the East.
Germany - Tennessee,
Lot's of viewers every year, and heavy investment and proximity to a lot of talent means their fans enjoy the program's success, right? Right? RIGGHT? Just kidding, despite a lot of advantages this program only occasionally smells relative success.
Mississippi State/Ole Miss - Armenia/Azerbaijian,
An incredibly fierce rivalry from a part of the world that most Americans couldn't place on a map. These guys hate each-other and would much rather pee in their neighbor's cereal than achieve their own success. And it so happens neither of these programs have come anywhere new success, with exactly one exception that is a wild aberration that most people forget about. The later program has received more patronage from outsiders.
The United Kingdom - Texas A&M,
All the money and tradition in the world, but none of the success you'd think that could buy. They sometimes claim to not care about their Most Hated Rivals, but the amount of money they pour into the contest when they have the chance, and the snide remarks make it pretty clear where their emotions are tied.
Denmark - LSU,
this low-lying land of unintelligible accents has produced a fair number of championships despite being out of the top ten most years.
Andorra - Vanderbilt,
kinda surprising they were ever competitors... wait are they competing still?
Italy - OSU,
An older power that, despite recent expansion, still saw success with its traditional approach to the game. Despite its long and continuing tradition of relevance at the highest level, its most recent Championship was the result of trying something new and different. Still, this program can be less interesting to watch. Unless your a fan on them, you've probably forgot many of their recent performances. Also their fans are freaking obsessed with every perceived grievance.
Spain - Michigan,
A traditional power that recently gone through a soul-crushing drought of success. , And it's onanistic obsession with its own heritage probably results in them shooting themselves in the foot more often than it helps them. Sometimes they try something different and it's a disaster. Also prior 2024, their most recent championship was over a generation ago and even that was a shared title.
Poland - Wisconsin,
Has no consensus championship titles. Wait really? Nothing since 1950? That is SURPRISING. Yeah they're kinda way up north, but even with that bitter climate that have a pretty rich tradition and plenty of population to draw from. Recently they've suffered some controversy about political interference from their administration limiting their ability to compete, but it might be less corruption and more the fact that the guys in suits are out of touch.
Czechia - Maryland,
Currently they sometimes compete at a high levels but previous it's been unclear if they really want to be a part of this competition. Honestly you could probably toss most of the former Big East schools in this category.
Lithuania - Penn State,
A successful program that's maybe a little bit lacking of an identity currently. They often do well but there's nothing THEY are the best at. Should they settle for mediocrity and be happy with their top ten finishes? Frustrated fans feel one way, and cash conscious administrators probably dwell differently.
Ireland - Nebraska,
Previously a legendary power our of the Northwest. But something has changed, and they haven't been relevant since the 1990s. The truth is, the type of talent this program used to consistently be able to bring to the stage now seeks their success in different arenas. They tried something different recently, and it's actually led to the best success in almost a decade. Will that be enough for this program's obsessed fans? Only time will tell.
San Marino - Northwestern.
What are they doing on such a big stage? Even in their hometown, most of the people who live there probably identify more strongly for other programs. Oh, their daddies are rich? Well that's an explanation. They sometimes do surprisingly well but the reality of their foundation means dominance will never be a possibility.
Notre Dame - Austria,
They've been around forever, they won championships, but with a couple VERY high profile exceptions, it's pretty easy to forget they're still around. Despite the face they culturally pretty much align 1-to-1 exactly with another big competitor, they claim to straddle typical classification schemes. Sure. Whatever. I guess that's allowed you to stay out of some recent political mess.
Switzerland - Clemson,
Also a power, and even if they rank highly in terms of total championships, they are probably second only to "you know who" at the tope of those rankings in terms of launching the biggest stars onto the next stage.
Ukraine - FSU,
In the long, storied tradition of the contest, they have both enjoyed recent periods of dominance despite being relative newcomers. The secret of their winning? It's probably an openness to competing on the international stage, and also having a large pool of local talent to draw from.
Estonia - Pitt,
Sandwiched between the dominance of their geographic neighbors, and the mediocrity of the programs that have shared their recent political history. They've had a couple stunning performances recently, but I wouldn't be surprised if they fielded a team of overwhelmed 18 year olds next year.
Latvia - Georgia Tech,
Pretty cool place and despite being irrelevant in many ways, they actually have a championship under their belt!
France - Texas,
Ugh, these guys, Amirite? Yeah they win championships but 4 out of 5 years they're so busy talking about how good their farts smell that they wind up with a disappointing finish. Regularly outside the Top Ten despite having all the population, all the talent, all the tradition and all the passion that should make them juggernauts. The one thing that may make these assholes feel better is the fact that their historic most hated rival usually does worse than them. Oh wait, are they pretending it's not a rivalry anymore? Ugh who cares.
Netherlands - Oklahoma,
The one thing this low, flat state has going for it? Their people will tune in to watch every year. And unlike some programs that dominated the 1950's (or their rivals dominating in the 1980s) these guys are still winning championships every now and them. Also both these programs reside in states that celebrate their history of stealing land (Ed. note, it's way cooler to steal land from the sea than stealing from indigenous populations).
Portugal - TCU,
A smaller team that loves to compete, and when they break through to the top, people love THEM too. They are fairly limited by their size, and culturally similar programs and geographic neighbors have a lot more tradition in this competition and historically have devoted a lot more resources to success.
Croatia - Texas Tech,
Sometimes this program just changes the game with an approach that comes out of left field. That's these guys. Has that iconoclastic approach led to success. Goodness no. But sometimes they are very relevant.
Georgia (the country) - Baylor
Wild card that tends to just go with whatever it's got. Sometimes it's kinda inspired, sometimes it's fun for a few fans, other times it's a mess. A real high ceiling, low floor program.
Montenegro /North Macedonia - West Virginia,
Some really good teams have come from this hilly region and their fans seem to care about the contest. But if I'm being honest, I'm not entirely sure if they even competed last year. They are struggling to establish an identity on a larger stage and have made moves to put that plan into action, but I wonder if, at some point, they will decide it's not worth it to consistently try, especially as they currently lack the cash to make major investments.
Israel - USC,
Oh man! Look at them way over there, across the continent... I'm kinda surprised they're a part of this. You see their name, and you think sand, you think palm trees, you think of a hundred reasons they shouldn't care about this competition. But holy chariots, they really do care about this contest. And despite the small size of their home turf, few competitors have more fans than this program... especially fans spread across the world. Also both have won back to back championships in their history, so, good for them, I guess.
Iceland - Oregon,
Everyone's favorite pick for the next first-time champion. And oh boy they've been close to winning it all before, despite being a good deal further away, geographically speaking, from any region that's had success.
Malta - Stanford,
isolated but occasionally relevant, and also rich, so that's neat for them and probably the only reason they haven't given up on this game.
- or Miami , a rich kid team that raked up wins over a period of time due to a quirk in geography and history but has seen that advantage disappear with a change in the game erased that advantage.
Moldova / Romania - Utah/Colorado,
Geography pits these programs against each other but for the most part things have remained friendly. Perhaps it's because culturally, these programs have so much in common compared to the institutions that surround them. Moldova is the Utah of this pairing, it consistently punches way above its weight and is a fan favorite, but that doesn't mean Colorado/Romania can't make a splash.
Cyprus/Greece - WSU/Oregon Sate,
Once again geography pits these programs against each other but this is one case where familiarity does NOT breed contempt. Perhaps it's because culturally, these programs have so much in common compared to the institutions that surround them. But no matter what, these fans will always support each other to the extent it's almost scandalous when they don't.
Australia - UCF,
What are they doing here? They have historical ties to programs that founded this whole thing, and in their home the competition is wildly popular, so why let things like geography or history hold you back? And here's the infuriating part; when they're good, they're actually pretty good. I don't know if they should've won it all a few years back, (like some of their fans claim) but they probably deserved more top four finishes than they've had.
Belgium/Luxembourg - Army/Navy,
Smaller programs, and the way the competition had changed over the last 50 years they are probably less likely to compete the same way they did in the early days of the competition. But holy crap, their fans still show up, and viewership numbers almost look as if their fans were FORCED to watch their team play.
Monaco - Tulane,
Kinda checked out of things recently and not sure if they'll come back, but the rich kids of this small private school/microstate still can boast more championships than either Vanderbilt or Poland.
Bosnia - Idaho,
Smaller but passionate program. Loves to perform on the biggest but does not have the resources to compete regularly and has recently stopped playing on this level. Every few years, however, there's talk of them coming back.
Slovakia -
They stepped away from competition a while ago and unsure whether they will continue
Russia, Belarus, Turkey, Hungary - Boston University, U Chicago, Sewanee and Wichita State.
Quitters. Not competing this year. Kinda sad. Some of them will hopefully be back, others likely have no prospects of returning in the near future. Boston and Chicago, like Russia and Belarus, still have ice hockey, at least. Also Bill O'Reilly attended Boston University, and so the comparison of him and any random autocratic, chauvinist troll from this group of four is left as an exercise to the reader.